My long absence

I'm sorry for my long absence from blogging here. First an update: my father's health is stabilized currently. I appreciate the notes and emails of support I received. The news is mixed--he won't need dialysis emergently, but he will likely need to start with it within a year. His kidneys have been slowly failing for many years (undiagnosed hypertension) and there's little they can do to halt the process. He is on a kidney sparing diet and off some medications that actively harm the kidney. And he's determined to stay as healthy as he can. In fact, he's doing better than the rest of us in adjusting.

I honestly thought I was holding it together--I even managed to juggle my work around my parents' medical needs and seemed to be doing fine. Then my husband got offered a job out of state. A terrific job. One that pays more money and will probably mean less work stress for him. It should be a no brainer, but I'm a wreck.

I've been in this house for 14 years. I feel safe here--physically and emotionally. I'm connected to the schools and they have been (for the most part) amazingly responsive to my childrens' needs. My boys are happy. They have friends and interests here. *There* is a big unknown. *There* is finding a new neighborhood, new schools, new friends. *There* is leaving the safety of *here.*

*Here* is everything I've ever wanted.

Except for the fact that my husband works close to 80 hours a week, with little control and little support. He cannot continue at this pace--it isn't healthy for him.

If we must move, my children have me to support them in the dislocation. But there's no one to support me in that way. I am anxious and frightened and my emotional first response is an automatic 'no'. I am working hard to stay in the moment and not give in to this blind panic about anything different.

It is so very hard.